Okay, so why not confront him?

When I wrote my first blog a couple nights ago, I didn't think much beyond that story and had just a handful of general topics in mind for subsequent posts. The story of Thomas, to me, stood alone. The feedback I received, however, begs a response. Basically, those who know me and Thomas responded with two supportive suggestions: One is, "Don't let him get to you." The other is, "You need to give it right back to him when he's being like that". Both are well intended based on consideration of my feelings. The first, not letting myself be upset, just isn't going to happen. Understand, I am not devastated and do not dwell every minute of every day on anything that is said to me; I simply may need to think about it a while, vent to a few close, understanding people, and then that is it. That leaves me with the other suggestion, to 'speak up' for myself.

These responses were interesting, but in a way also disappointing. After all, the point of that story was not to complain about Thomas, but rather to share what he means to me and how I value him. I hoped that anyone reading might take heart and think of similar relationships in their own lives and recall what those people mean to them. A new 'online' friend in another site actually did take the story that way...she wrote me a bit about her childhood and how she is coping with a family member.

I mentioned that someday maybe I would blog about why exactly it is that I do keep quiet when people say something I either disagree with or am upset about. Because of this feedback, now seems like the right time to discuss it.

There are a variety of interactions with people where I might want to speak up or disagree, so many in fact that this writing could easily go on, and on, and on. A cashier might be rude, a brother might be way off base, or a friend might simply have an opinion that's different from my own. I'll try to stay on topic here, from a general perspective and not get bogged down with too many individual situations.

The first reason for not speaking up has to do with my spirituality, or 'higher self'. I am a Unitarian Universalist (if curious, go to uua.org), an organized religion that has a set of principles, rather than doctrine, which I try to follow. These principles reflect the values I developed long before I ever heard of UU; mainly acknowledging and honoring the worth of every individual, and acceptance of one another. UUer's come in all shapes and sizes, with a wide variety of beliefs. A typical congregation may include atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, Wiccans, Christians, etc. What we all have in common are our shared principles. In order to practice these values, I do try to honor each person by listening and encouraging him or her. If something is said that I disagree with, I think, "well, it isn't about me...this brother/sister/mother/friend/acquaintance has a voice, has her own life story rich with experiences of joy and sorrow.

Add to this something I believe the Dalai Lama once said (forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I do believe it was him), that we should enter a room with the perspective that we are the lowest person there (paraphrased, hopefully not too butchered). To me, this means that in every possible situation and with every person I meet, I am the student and have something to learn from that person. If I become too involved in my own opinions or react to her words with indignance, anger or insecurity, well then how can I hope to learn and grow?

That is my highest aspiration, reflecting my spirituality. But of course, as an average person I do bring my ego with me when I interact with people. Accordingly, I do react internally. I frequently feel intolerant or impatient. I get offended or hurt. I may feel superior and think the person's a fool for thinking the way he does. Those are knee-jerk responses all mucked up with my own life experience and perspective. Why not speak up??? Well, I ask myself, what's my motive, and will speaking up satisfy that reason? If it is satisfying, will there be future repercussions, such as a damaged relationship, or within myself any guilt of conscience?

Any number of motives may apply: I may desperately want to change that person's mind, or if he has hurt my feelings, I may want him to know--and apologize! Maybe I simply feel strongly enough about something and want to be heard (and valued). Or it could be that if I feel slighted, damn it I want to lash back and make the offender feel like crap.

With those motives, why do I remain silent in almost every situation? Maybe here I do need to use a few specific examples. Let's pick on Thomas again. Just as I know he has opinions of me, I naturally have opinions about him. I believe Thomas is in a sense fragile: His self-identity is wrapped up in being wise, knowledgeable, thoughtful, above such base emotions as anger. Maybe more to the point, he deeply needs to be perceived this way. I can't recall him ever saying, "That hurt my feelings". Only insecure people get hurt feelings, and he is too mature for that. Thomas is very well read. He has over the years studied psychology and philosophy. He saw a therapist for about three years and has worked through many struggles. In short, he actually does have a lot of wisdom, interesting perspectives, and a great memory that allows him to support many of his views with facts.

So, if I want to change Thomas's mind, what are my chances? Slim to none! Well then, if that is the motive, I might as well say nothing. If he's hurt my feelings, what happens when I say something? In this case, I have over the years called on him to explain the hurtful statement. Every time, and I do mean 'every', I guarantee he has assured me that I have misinterpreted and taken whatever was said in the most negative possible way. He usually then explains that I've done this because of our childhood, that I am programmed to respond like this, and that he used to be 'where I am' but with introspection and therapy he has worked through and overcome this response. If he does apologize, it will be qualified: "I'm sorry your feelings got hurt because you didn't understand what I was saying." This being so, the motive is not satisfied, so again, I choose in most situations to say nothing. If my motive is to simply be heard (and valued), well it's clear to me that Thomas has an even stronger need to be heard. When this is the case, I know of course that I won't be heard even if I do speak up. So, I don't.

This leaves me with retaliation. When I've lashed out at people, I almost always regret it. It's hurtful, shallow, and definitely does not reflect those values I mentioned. I feel ashamed and guilty; it may be momentarily satisfying (Ha! Gotcha!), but what am I left with? Better to vent elsewhere as needed than to subject myself to the anguish I'll suffer indefinitely. Speaking from anger damages people, even very confident people. It damages the relationship. It is rarely (I deliberately am not saying 'never') worth it.

As one thought leads to another, I'm tempted to go down tangents...what about in the workplace involving co-workers or bosses? People I meet around town? If the above is all about why I don't speak up, what circumstances warrant an exception? But this writing is lengthy enough already. Basically, I try to uphold my values, not just in action but also in thought. When I can't manage that, then I consider my motives and whether I will get the desired response. If the answer is 'no', then there simply is no point in speaking up.